"...In the space of several days I had elicited laughter and an apology. And, I had licked her finger. I allowed a smile at my small achievements..." Poor guy. I love this small victory.
So much to love in this chapter. But I’m entirely hooked by something “trapped between worlds.” Your imagination is layered, mythic, and warm Nathan. And I also smile every time I read the narrator’s comments as he/you decipher Renn’s journals and delight in your discoveries.
Unfortunately, there's only a few left before you've caught up to where the published posts get to. Plenty more to come of course, but it's a relatively slow drip-feed because I'm incapable of mono-tasking 😆
My word pictures hit a slight snag in this one. I interpreted the words ‘With a twisting motion she flung me to the floor and I landed face down, head striking the dirt.’ as ‘face down’ but what follows sounds like ‘head first but face up’?? Once I rearranged that picture in my head it felt much better, so I thought I’d mention it in passing. Apart from that, great picture, fascinating characters and scary thoughts about what lies ahead...!!
A few too many? There was a lot of editing in this one, but perhaps it needs some more. Thanks for the feedback 👍 I'll have another read tomorrow and whip out the editing scissors once more.
Was that a "have" instead of "haven't"? Or am I too tired to make sense of the excitement?
Excellent, Nathan. Characters come to life, their relationships, their wants and needs, and their flaws, the humour is what I like most. Keep it that way. It's a joy to read.
You whacked them over the head with the hammer of Ed Iting! ;) Critical hit. Just deceased. Story is about characters, you got great characters. No one remembers plot. ;)
"...In the space of several days I had elicited laughter and an apology. And, I had licked her finger. I allowed a smile at my small achievements..." Poor guy. I love this small victory.
Hehe, I'm a fan of this one too. Thanks Sharron!
So much to love in this chapter. But I’m entirely hooked by something “trapped between worlds.” Your imagination is layered, mythic, and warm Nathan. And I also smile every time I read the narrator’s comments as he/you decipher Renn’s journals and delight in your discoveries.
Wohoo, loved this! Incredible pacing all around. Looking forward to the next part.
Lovely to hear. Thanks so much for working your way through the entries, Andrei. You're a star.
Well, what can I say, they’re great! I just can’t stop.
😍
Unfortunately, there's only a few left before you've caught up to where the published posts get to. Plenty more to come of course, but it's a relatively slow drip-feed because I'm incapable of mono-tasking 😆
That’s fine, I don’t mind waiting. And I mean, it’s not like you don’t have other posts I can read in the meantime🫡
😄
I shall be doing the same with yours too 😁
Ooh, love that! I love having you as a reader.
Ah ha! Yep. I obviously got caught up in the scene and missed that bit! Well done. And Thanks. 🤗🤗
No worries! Glad that makes sense now. Thanks again, Beth.
My word pictures hit a slight snag in this one. I interpreted the words ‘With a twisting motion she flung me to the floor and I landed face down, head striking the dirt.’ as ‘face down’ but what follows sounds like ‘head first but face up’?? Once I rearranged that picture in my head it felt much better, so I thought I’d mention it in passing. Apart from that, great picture, fascinating characters and scary thoughts about what lies ahead...!!
OK so I just reread and there's this line: "But Brae wasn’t done. She was on top of me, spinning me over,"
The "spinning me over" was meant to imply she turned Renn face-up. Do you think that isn't overly clear?
Thanks for any further feedback.
Thank you for spotting this Beth, much appreciated. I shall re-read and make a minor edit if that's the case. 🙏
PS so lovely to see you reading through this all today!
I have blue eyes baby!
😉😘
Wonderful mate.
🙏
Ooo, wasn't expecting that! I do love a good oracle.🔮 Looking forward to the next installment! 🤩
😃
Well, if you weren't expecting that, then ... [spoilers]
Thanks for taking the time to read and comment, Elnora. Hope you've had a great week.
As always, love the illustration.
Very excited that we haven't an oracle in the story!
(Beware of superfluous adjectives and adverbs.)
Yes, HAVE!!
I wouldn't be as excited about the absence of an oracle. 😂
😅 phew!
Thanks Caz!
A few too many? There was a lot of editing in this one, but perhaps it needs some more. Thanks for the feedback 👍 I'll have another read tomorrow and whip out the editing scissors once more.
Was that a "have" instead of "haven't"? Or am I too tired to make sense of the excitement?
Made me smile!
Excellent, Nathan. Characters come to life, their relationships, their wants and needs, and their flaws, the humour is what I like most. Keep it that way. It's a joy to read.
Minor point: I would "just" cut the two "just".
Thank you, Alexander. That's so lovely to hear. Super grateful you made the time to stop and have a read.
And, you're absolutely correct. Those "just"s were clunky! They have been excised, through the magic of editing. Really appreciate that. 🙏
You whacked them over the head with the hammer of Ed Iting! ;) Critical hit. Just deceased. Story is about characters, you got great characters. No one remembers plot. ;)
Hehe. Phew, glad that roll landed on 20!
(I hope there's some story that will be remembered, but you're right. Characters are what really leave a lasting impression.)
Oh yes, we remember story (thanks to sublime structure), but not plot, never plot. Poe-etic. ;)
Gosh Nadia, thank you so much! This one has a special place for me, but there is more to come ...