It's great you establish context by quoting the passage about Jisa, esp. for new readers and also for me. 😂
Wonderful prose, Nathan. A melancholic, pensive scene developing character and elegantly weaving in exposition. Looking forward to the conclusion!
I notice you are not using speech/dialogue attribution a lot, same as me. I don't like all the "he said, she said", although it "is said" to be the most unintrusive way to do it.
Not using any, it can be hard at times to identify who is talking, for some readers.
e.g. in this example, if you move the line "Cloud's thumb strokes..." up, it will be crystal clear.
“I will do it for you, if I can. If it is what you really want.” Cloud’s thumb strokes the top of my hand as he speaks, and I gaze up at him as another well of tears seeps from my eyes.
Thank you, Alexander, that's some great feedback. (I may have included that quoting passage just for you ;))
You know, I originally had that there as one paragraph, but for some reason cut it. I will make that changes, thanks!
I try to hold back a little on the dialogue attribution if I feel it's sufficiently implied. Like Claudia says, it does sometimes feel awkward to write.
Re: dialogue attribution. It is better to use "said" or "replied" aka the "default" because our brains read over them without much fuss and any other word will be way more of an eyesore, he quipped.
I haven't used them (attributions) a lot in my latest "The Expedition" either. Is it clear at all times who is speaking? I hope it is, if it isn't I try and sneak in action verbs instead of "said."
My tutor Madame Boa once said, it's only writers who see it that way, readers don't care, they like all the saids, they want them. Shrug. Tutors can be wrong, too.
That's what I was referring to by 'action verbs.' It makes it clear who's talking without using those pesky he/she says. Sometimes, of course, it will be simpler and better to use them default tags.
I also find it can feel annoying or repetitious to write it a lot. Appreciate the feedback on this though, there's nothing worse than being confused about who is speaking.
I also don't fully understand the rules of when/where you need a new paragraph with dialogue.
yeah "said" is the least intrusive, as I mentioned in my other reply, it's more of a writer's dislike than an issue for most readers. Context normally provides all the clues you need to figure out who's talking but therein lies the rub, the reader shouldn't have to figure it out, it should be clear, he said.
Jul 26, 2023·edited Jul 26, 2023Liked by Nathan Slake
Exactly, I really don't like it when I suddenly realise that I've attributed lines of dialogue to the wrong character and I have to go back and still can't figure out who said what 🙄
Phew. Ok, I’m so glad I went back to the beginning. The fuller canvas is starting to reveal itself and your gorgeous writing has pulled me in. Off to part 2!
So much happening in this...scenelette? I love the mood, how the time of day and the post-coital circumstance let Cloud and Jisa be so squishy and vulnerable for a moment, no matter what came before and might come later. And I like how not everything was shared, but they made space for all of it in the moment.
Hi Nathan, it came out really good, very atmospheric, it draws me in immediately. I like how you build up the four characters, bits and piece put together as the story moves along, I also like the little intimacies between the couple, the unspoken words, guilt, longing. As usually, there's a poetry to the way you use language to tell these stories, it's beautiful to read. But although this is your signature style, there is a clear difference in tone and style between 'Precipice' and 'Brae's Meteorite'.
Are you planning to build the whole story from loosely connected stories? This is also a very good serialisation tool. The intro to the chapter was great for new readers.
Thanks Claudia, I'm very pleased to hear you enjoyed and thanks so much for reading. To me, Jisa has always had this internal melancholy and poeticism, which doesn't always sit with her outward persona.
My first plan is to finish placing the majority of Jisa's chapters down and then follow with several from different points of view. It's predominantly her story, but I plan to include others. In fact, now that Tess has been introduced, I was thinking about writing in a side chapter from her, because she is integral to the perspective from the cloudscape, the city of Vi. Then there will be Cloud, who acts as a sort of bridge between the two cities and worlds.
I like a lot books that have chapters from the perspective of different characters. And, again, writing your book like this is a good serialisation tool. How do you come up with this stuff? Do you do a research in advance or does it just come naturally to you? 😁
I like the discrepancy between Jisa's outward and inner persona. Aren't we all like this in life? Especially those who always have to put a brave face and be strong, also need the space to be vulnerable and fragile.
Will you also have chapter's from Cloud's perspective?
Thanks Claudia, I'm happy you feel that about the discrepancy. I wanted more of that vulnerability to come through a bit here, especially perhaps in part II (tonight, hopefully).
A Song of Ice and Fire was what really sold and hooked me on chapters from specific PoVs. I now find it somewhat jarring when I read books that are either omniscient or suddenly switch PoV *within* (!) a chapter. Personal taste influenced by personal preference from favourite books/authors I guess.
So yeah, Jisa, Cloud, Tess. That's the triangle of characters here. There could be short diversions into other characters, but those are just sketches of ideas and I'm not sure if it'll be necessary yet. But also, I'm still toying whether these entirely first-person-present Jisa chapters serve as their own arc of backstory. My aim is to finish those, so that they can actually sit as a story of sorts in itself. My original original plan was to do those throughout, so that as the story moved forward, we got glimpses into what had led up to that moment at the start. But, urgh, it all feels fluid still.
It's great you establish context by quoting the passage about Jisa, esp. for new readers and also for me. 😂
Wonderful prose, Nathan. A melancholic, pensive scene developing character and elegantly weaving in exposition. Looking forward to the conclusion!
I notice you are not using speech/dialogue attribution a lot, same as me. I don't like all the "he said, she said", although it "is said" to be the most unintrusive way to do it.
Not using any, it can be hard at times to identify who is talking, for some readers.
e.g. in this example, if you move the line "Cloud's thumb strokes..." up, it will be crystal clear.
“I will do it for you, if I can. If it is what you really want.” Cloud’s thumb strokes the top of my hand as he speaks, and I gaze up at him as another well of tears seeps from my eyes.
Thank you, Alexander, that's some great feedback. (I may have included that quoting passage just for you ;))
You know, I originally had that there as one paragraph, but for some reason cut it. I will make that changes, thanks!
I try to hold back a little on the dialogue attribution if I feel it's sufficiently implied. Like Claudia says, it does sometimes feel awkward to write.
My addled brain thanks you! ;)
Re: dialogue attribution. It is better to use "said" or "replied" aka the "default" because our brains read over them without much fuss and any other word will be way more of an eyesore, he quipped.
I haven't used them (attributions) a lot in my latest "The Expedition" either. Is it clear at all times who is speaking? I hope it is, if it isn't I try and sneak in action verbs instead of "said."
My tutor Madame Boa once said, it's only writers who see it that way, readers don't care, they like all the saids, they want them. Shrug. Tutors can be wrong, too.
"Madame Boa", oh how I chuckled at this secret context. (Unless this is my bleary-eyed morning brain providing incorrect attribution ...)
You are not alien to the situation, one might say it is in "plane" sight. 😂
I have seen a lot of dialogue without clarifiers. Instead more text is added before or after.
1. He adjusted his towel uncomfortably. ‘I could go with you, if you want.’
2. ‘I don’t really know why.’ He shrugged half-heartedly.
3. ‘Jess.’ He could tell she felt guilty, but ...
Yeah, I really like it when this kind of way of doing it is thrown in.
That's what I was referring to by 'action verbs.' It makes it clear who's talking without using those pesky he/she says. Sometimes, of course, it will be simpler and better to use them default tags.
I always use 'he said, she said', writing advice from the King. 😁 Though I find it annoying when I write it.
I also find it can feel annoying or repetitious to write it a lot. Appreciate the feedback on this though, there's nothing worse than being confused about who is speaking.
I also don't fully understand the rules of when/where you need a new paragraph with dialogue.
To my understanding, a line of dialogue should be its own paragraph. This is how I see it in well-formatted books.
Good to know. Even though I try and pay attention to this when reading, when it comes to writing I'm still never sure.
yeah "said" is the least intrusive, as I mentioned in my other reply, it's more of a writer's dislike than an issue for most readers. Context normally provides all the clues you need to figure out who's talking but therein lies the rub, the reader shouldn't have to figure it out, it should be clear, he said.
Exactly, I really don't like it when I suddenly realise that I've attributed lines of dialogue to the wrong character and I have to go back and still can't figure out who said what 🙄
Phew. Ok, I’m so glad I went back to the beginning. The fuller canvas is starting to reveal itself and your gorgeous writing has pulled me in. Off to part 2!
Thanks Kimberly, you're a star 🌟
There's no strict order defined on the page of fragments yet (though there is in my head). You can edge back a little further to the ones that precede this moment: https://slake.substack.com/p/to-walk-as-though-one and then https://slake.substack.com/p/to-glimpse-another
So much happening in this...scenelette? I love the mood, how the time of day and the post-coital circumstance let Cloud and Jisa be so squishy and vulnerable for a moment, no matter what came before and might come later. And I like how not everything was shared, but they made space for all of it in the moment.
Scenelette. Love that term! Love your thoughts. That vulnerability was really what I was hoping to get out of this :)
Very visual writing. I like where this is going. Perhaps add more to tantalise the senses.
1. She runs her fingers along the smooth cool glass, collecting condensation ...
2. The room smelt of cigarettes, coffee, and stall sex.
3. Her mouth was dry, she could taste the remnants from the cheap bottle of wine they’d shared.
4. Goosebumps rise on her arms, she takes a quick deep breath, as she sees him in just a towel.
Thanks for the feedback, Wendy :)
The music is in the spaces, as they say. Brilliant cut from the bar to the aftermath of their passion, Nathan.
Thank you Troy, that's an excellent saying.
I still find the opening clunky here (too many rewrites), so will have to return to that later.
Hi Nathan, it came out really good, very atmospheric, it draws me in immediately. I like how you build up the four characters, bits and piece put together as the story moves along, I also like the little intimacies between the couple, the unspoken words, guilt, longing. As usually, there's a poetry to the way you use language to tell these stories, it's beautiful to read. But although this is your signature style, there is a clear difference in tone and style between 'Precipice' and 'Brae's Meteorite'.
Are you planning to build the whole story from loosely connected stories? This is also a very good serialisation tool. The intro to the chapter was great for new readers.
I'm looking forward to the second part. 👏
Thanks Claudia, I'm very pleased to hear you enjoyed and thanks so much for reading. To me, Jisa has always had this internal melancholy and poeticism, which doesn't always sit with her outward persona.
My first plan is to finish placing the majority of Jisa's chapters down and then follow with several from different points of view. It's predominantly her story, but I plan to include others. In fact, now that Tess has been introduced, I was thinking about writing in a side chapter from her, because she is integral to the perspective from the cloudscape, the city of Vi. Then there will be Cloud, who acts as a sort of bridge between the two cities and worlds.
Those are my current intentions, anyway.
I like a lot books that have chapters from the perspective of different characters. And, again, writing your book like this is a good serialisation tool. How do you come up with this stuff? Do you do a research in advance or does it just come naturally to you? 😁
I like the discrepancy between Jisa's outward and inner persona. Aren't we all like this in life? Especially those who always have to put a brave face and be strong, also need the space to be vulnerable and fragile.
Will you also have chapter's from Cloud's perspective?
Thanks Claudia, I'm happy you feel that about the discrepancy. I wanted more of that vulnerability to come through a bit here, especially perhaps in part II (tonight, hopefully).
A Song of Ice and Fire was what really sold and hooked me on chapters from specific PoVs. I now find it somewhat jarring when I read books that are either omniscient or suddenly switch PoV *within* (!) a chapter. Personal taste influenced by personal preference from favourite books/authors I guess.
So yeah, Jisa, Cloud, Tess. That's the triangle of characters here. There could be short diversions into other characters, but those are just sketches of ideas and I'm not sure if it'll be necessary yet. But also, I'm still toying whether these entirely first-person-present Jisa chapters serve as their own arc of backstory. My aim is to finish those, so that they can actually sit as a story of sorts in itself. My original original plan was to do those throughout, so that as the story moved forward, we got glimpses into what had led up to that moment at the start. But, urgh, it all feels fluid still.