I like the final-final first line ;-). Super transporting and well-paced chapter in the Jisa story. I love dialogue in movies, shows, games, stories, etc. especially when they inform on others' personalities. And you did excellently with introducing character for each protagonist here.
Thank you, Nadia, that's so great to hear. I cut a lot of exposition from my first draft. There's things that I want to be known, but they didn't fit or felt awkward, so in some ways this is minimal, but I'd rather it be that way. Given other fragments have come before this, then you know what ends up happening between them ;)
Bahahaha...we sure do ;-). You did well. You gave enough room for the characters to breathe and unravel. There will be more opportunities for more character development later on, I'm sure!
I'll echo Ben's statement - you have absolutely mastered the art of the serial, doesn't matter where you start or what order you read these in. Who was it that said (John Crowley, maybe?) - "a thousand clouds, each different in shape and hue, but all whispering 'sunset.'" It's a wonderfully complex world you're building, Nathan.
Thanks so much Troy. After posting, I spent most of Friday questioning a lot of things Precipice, so I'm encouraged by your and Ben's comments regarding the fragmented nature of this story. There's so much more I want to tell from this tale and world.
*writes quote into my notebook* -- that's a good'un.
Your footnotes always crack me up! This was so, so beautifully written, Nathan. I'm almost embarrassed to tell you that I found myself doing a little 'chefs kiss' when I read, "Zinn has told me near nothing, little details emerging over the years, trickling like a river on the cusp of drought." 👌
By strange serendipity, I find myself discovering Jisa now, for the first time. So this feels like the perfect start ... intriguing. My curiosity is piqued. I shall hunt around for more. And the idea of writing in a fragmented non-linear way. I really like that thought. I have a dystopian musing that I’m on the cusp of returning to for a second draft and I’m wondering about some fragmented world building before I set to on the characters’ stories. Thanks for the inspiration.
Thanks so much for taking the time to read some of Jisa's story. You picked a good fragment to start on :) I replied to Daniel in this thread with a suggestion of other places to go from after here, in case you're curious.
Sounds great about your second draft and dystopian musings!
“My fingers itch for the drink not yet in my hand, so my eyes wander once more.”
i’m amazed at how you’re able to tell a story in these fragments. Do you have the whole world built in your mind and does the complete story exist there or is it really a collection of character studies and scenes that you evolve each week?
There's a lot of story and world up in my mind, though there are aspects that I'm unsure of or don't know of until I write about them (highly inefficient, I know). I like the notion of character studies. I think that fits well with a lot of how I see this.
Jisa's plot arc is mostly set, though there's a few points I'm ironing out. What I wanted for this fragment originally included something that I then decided didn't work or was going to complicate things in the wrong way (concerning Cloud), so I cut it out. For now, at least.
I know it's probably not ideal telling this in a fragmented fashion. When Jisa's backstory is done, I'll probably assemble it into a linear order, but for now these serve as fragmented memories. I hope it works ok and isn't frustrating.
Not frustrating at all. It’s like fragments of a dream state that you enter nightly. The plot is malleable but the feel of the world and the characters are so real.
Sorry, I'm late as usual. YES Nathan, this is the perfect beginning. Beautifully written and the tension is palpable. This is wonderful stuff, Nathan. Bravo.
Nothing to apologise for Jim. There is no "late" here. (I see you just posted The Loyalty Bart Pt 2 but I haven't gotten time to sit and read yet, but I very much look forward to doing so!)
Thank you for your kind words and coming by to read, Jim.
This fragment can even stay here in the narrative. She could remember this while climbing. I like the first encounter between Jisa and Cloud. But is Zinn really that blind?
Oh this line! “To pick away at their childhood seems like picking at a scab: some bits may come free, smooth and healed, but what’s left underneath can still bleed.” So much more to learn about your humans, I feel especially desperate to understand Cloud, his name, his mission...probably picking up on Jisa’s desire.:)
I really enjoy what's happening with the rhythm here. It feels slow at the start - in a good way - like an ominous setting of the scene with this sort of slowed down electronica head bob going on. Then the dialogue changes the rhythm. I was thinking about our language conversation as I read it - it seems to me that with Zinn you've created a very different voice from the narration. The swearing, of course, but also again in the rhythm of his language.
Such a tricky place to begin -- or to know how to begin -- and, well, who knows, maybe another beginning will come before this, later on.
That's excellent to hear re: dialogue and narration of Zinn vs Jisa. I think that even between the two of them, she speaks differently to how she ends up speaking with Cloud (because, you know, those feelings ...!) but that doesn't come out so much until later fragments.
Ahhhh, the Kernel, I feel like we've been to this bar many times, many plans were made but Jisa last time was further along, both with the plan and with Cloud, methinks. I long to know more about that heist! Will be interesting to see how you order this once the story is complete.
So, this is the first part of the Precipice that I’ve read, Nathan, and thought it was a really great starting point. I know there is a whole lot more story to read but is it OK just to read chapters at random?
Jisa seems a really interesting character so interested to learn more about her, but not sure if there are specific part of the story I should read next?
Also this is just wonderful writing :-
“To pick away at their childhood seems like picking at a scab: some bits may come free, smooth and healed, but what's left underneath can still bleed.”
Thanks David, appreciate the toughts and feedback :)
My intention is that you can dip in and out without worrying too much. There is a path to be traced through the published pieces so far, but some sections are still missing.
Excellent. Thanks Nathan. Looking forward to reading more of this story. My copy of Dune arrives tomorrow as well so quite pleased I’m not doing any articles for a few weeks so I can catch up on all this reading 😁
I like the final-final first line ;-). Super transporting and well-paced chapter in the Jisa story. I love dialogue in movies, shows, games, stories, etc. especially when they inform on others' personalities. And you did excellently with introducing character for each protagonist here.
Thank you, Nadia, that's so great to hear. I cut a lot of exposition from my first draft. There's things that I want to be known, but they didn't fit or felt awkward, so in some ways this is minimal, but I'd rather it be that way. Given other fragments have come before this, then you know what ends up happening between them ;)
Bahahaha...we sure do ;-). You did well. You gave enough room for the characters to breathe and unravel. There will be more opportunities for more character development later on, I'm sure!
Also the last repliques are kind of chilling, sexy, and give me utter goose-bumps.
I'll echo Ben's statement - you have absolutely mastered the art of the serial, doesn't matter where you start or what order you read these in. Who was it that said (John Crowley, maybe?) - "a thousand clouds, each different in shape and hue, but all whispering 'sunset.'" It's a wonderfully complex world you're building, Nathan.
Thanks so much Troy. After posting, I spent most of Friday questioning a lot of things Precipice, so I'm encouraged by your and Ben's comments regarding the fragmented nature of this story. There's so much more I want to tell from this tale and world.
*writes quote into my notebook* -- that's a good'un.
💯
Your footnotes always crack me up! This was so, so beautifully written, Nathan. I'm almost embarrassed to tell you that I found myself doing a little 'chefs kiss' when I read, "Zinn has told me near nothing, little details emerging over the years, trickling like a river on the cusp of drought." 👌
Sometimes when I write footnotes I find myself reading them back and wondering "I wonder if Chloe will laugh at that" 😄
Do not be embarrassed. If that is the reaction of the line then yay! (Once again this is a line that nearly got cut in the edits!)
I always go for the ones that had near misses! 😅
By strange serendipity, I find myself discovering Jisa now, for the first time. So this feels like the perfect start ... intriguing. My curiosity is piqued. I shall hunt around for more. And the idea of writing in a fragmented non-linear way. I really like that thought. I have a dystopian musing that I’m on the cusp of returning to for a second draft and I’m wondering about some fragmented world building before I set to on the characters’ stories. Thanks for the inspiration.
Thanks so much for taking the time to read some of Jisa's story. You picked a good fragment to start on :) I replied to Daniel in this thread with a suggestion of other places to go from after here, in case you're curious.
Sounds great about your second draft and dystopian musings!
Thanks so much, I’ll follow that trail of breadcrumbs via Daniel.
As always, such clever writing Nathan.
“My fingers itch for the drink not yet in my hand, so my eyes wander once more.”
i’m amazed at how you’re able to tell a story in these fragments. Do you have the whole world built in your mind and does the complete story exist there or is it really a collection of character studies and scenes that you evolve each week?
Thank you, Ben.
There's a lot of story and world up in my mind, though there are aspects that I'm unsure of or don't know of until I write about them (highly inefficient, I know). I like the notion of character studies. I think that fits well with a lot of how I see this.
Jisa's plot arc is mostly set, though there's a few points I'm ironing out. What I wanted for this fragment originally included something that I then decided didn't work or was going to complicate things in the wrong way (concerning Cloud), so I cut it out. For now, at least.
I know it's probably not ideal telling this in a fragmented fashion. When Jisa's backstory is done, I'll probably assemble it into a linear order, but for now these serve as fragmented memories. I hope it works ok and isn't frustrating.
Not frustrating at all. It’s like fragments of a dream state that you enter nightly. The plot is malleable but the feel of the world and the characters are so real.
That's lovely to hear, thanks Ben.
These shorts are suspenseful and fun to read. Overall, just great hooks! Keep them coming.
The DALLE3 image is nice, it looks like a pane from a comic I could be reading this in.
Thanks so much David.
Yes, someday I want it to also be a graphic novel!
Sorry, I'm late as usual. YES Nathan, this is the perfect beginning. Beautifully written and the tension is palpable. This is wonderful stuff, Nathan. Bravo.
Nothing to apologise for Jim. There is no "late" here. (I see you just posted The Loyalty Bart Pt 2 but I haven't gotten time to sit and read yet, but I very much look forward to doing so!)
Thank you for your kind words and coming by to read, Jim.
This fragment can even stay here in the narrative. She could remember this while climbing. I like the first encounter between Jisa and Cloud. But is Zinn really that blind?
Thanks, Claudia. I haven't thought about the linear or non-linear piecing together of this for a while, but I like your thoughts.
And yeah, Zinn's pretty blind to this, at least at this moment.
I expect him to pull something out of his sleeve anytime. Hope you’ll get back to these at some point.
Oh this line! “To pick away at their childhood seems like picking at a scab: some bits may come free, smooth and healed, but what’s left underneath can still bleed.” So much more to learn about your humans, I feel especially desperate to understand Cloud, his name, his mission...probably picking up on Jisa’s desire.:)
That line was nearly cut, haha. Glad that I kept it in :)
Nooooooo!!!! It's so memorable!!!! Those fierce editors within sometimes have no clue. :)
Haha I know, right? Sometimes it's good to avoid that internal editor.
I’m enjoying the short installs and it’s interesting to read it in a non-chronological order. Captivating chapter!
Thanks for reading, Brian. Appreciate you being here.
There will be some linearity eventually, I think 😁
'the fingers itch from the drink not yet in hand', nice line'the fingers itch from the drink not yet in my hands', nice line
Thanks Rosana. 😄
Hopefully a drink found its way into your hands.
A rice pudding actually but a very good one!
Ah, most excellent.
Another wonderful post, Nathan!
I really enjoy what's happening with the rhythm here. It feels slow at the start - in a good way - like an ominous setting of the scene with this sort of slowed down electronica head bob going on. Then the dialogue changes the rhythm. I was thinking about our language conversation as I read it - it seems to me that with Zinn you've created a very different voice from the narration. The swearing, of course, but also again in the rhythm of his language.
Thank you, Kate!
Such a tricky place to begin -- or to know how to begin -- and, well, who knows, maybe another beginning will come before this, later on.
That's excellent to hear re: dialogue and narration of Zinn vs Jisa. I think that even between the two of them, she speaks differently to how she ends up speaking with Cloud (because, you know, those feelings ...!) but that doesn't come out so much until later fragments.
Ahhhh, the Kernel, I feel like we've been to this bar many times, many plans were made but Jisa last time was further along, both with the plan and with Cloud, methinks. I long to know more about that heist! Will be interesting to see how you order this once the story is complete.
Yes, previous reads have been much further along the timeline.
I too am interested in how I'm going to order it all ... 🤔😅
You will! We will! Soon! Ish.
So, this is the first part of the Precipice that I’ve read, Nathan, and thought it was a really great starting point. I know there is a whole lot more story to read but is it OK just to read chapters at random?
Jisa seems a really interesting character so interested to learn more about her, but not sure if there are specific part of the story I should read next?
Also this is just wonderful writing :-
“To pick away at their childhood seems like picking at a scab: some bits may come free, smooth and healed, but what's left underneath can still bleed.”
Thanks David, appreciate the toughts and feedback :)
My intention is that you can dip in and out without worrying too much. There is a path to be traced through the published pieces so far, but some sections are still missing.
This post gives some general background on the world (it's not a specific piece, just me discussing the world): https://slake.substack.com/p/notes-from-the-edge
Then this post serves as essentially a continuation of the one you've just read: https://slake.substack.com/p/to-walk-as-though-one
And if you want something not from Jisa's perspective but from someone she knows, there's also this: https://slake.substack.com/p/nib
Feel free to click around and you like, and no worries at all if nothing takes your fancy.
Excellent. Thanks Nathan. Looking forward to reading more of this story. My copy of Dune arrives tomorrow as well so quite pleased I’m not doing any articles for a few weeks so I can catch up on all this reading 😁
Awesome. Hope you enjoy that read too. Look forward to hearing your thoughts.